What does it mean to create safety/space?

I’m probably the last person that should be writing about this. I used to think I was good at it. My whole life I’ve always had people tell me really personal things, things they wouldn’t tell other people, and why? Well, I used to tell myself that I’m a good listener, or maybe that it was because I didn’t judge them. Who knows what it really was?

So why is it so different in my marriage?

I think a lot of it has to do with a comment I made on Bonita’s blog. I think it’s easy to create freedom and safety when the issues being discussed don’t have anything to do with you. But in marriage, everything has to do with you (or at least that’s how it feels). Everything is personal. Every time you open the space up to discussion, you’re holding on to past conversations, past hurts and they’ve already got you on edge. You're in essence "letting your own shit cloud the space". How do you not do that? Forgiveness is not something that comes easily for me. You hurt me and it’s over. Period. But, it doesn’t really work that way in marriage. It’s an intimate and painful relationship meant to last forever, so how do you keep the hurt pile from accumulating so much that there’s no more room to breathe? The thing is, I really don’t know.

What I DO know is, creating a safe place for me looks like this: speaking calmly, only bringing up one issue at a time (because I have many), not rehashing or saying the same thing multiple times just worded differently, accepting an apology and not continuing to dig for more apologies, and for God’s sake TOUCHING ME (ie. Sitting close, holding hands, etc.). Touching me during a potentially explosive conversation communicates this: we’re fighting, but I still love you and it’s OK. Giving me time to think about what I want to say is important too. When I get upset, all rational thought leaves me and all I can think about is running away or slapping the hell out of somebody. Terrible, I know. True? Yes.

Like most things in life, I think safety looks like different things to different people. For Clint, if I open up an argument admitting that the fight is at least 50% my fault, it goes a lot better. That’s probably why our fights are so ugly, because 99% of the time, that doesn’t happen. I’m a prideful piece of shit, I know.

But what does it look like for other people? Over the past couple of months I’ve had some really intense conversations with friends, some over issues dealing with our relationship and some having nothing to do with it. The common theme seems to be that people just want to be heard, and understood. They don’t want advice, or answers, they just want someone who will feel the weight of their pain and not dismiss it. Brian Murphy recently posted a prime example of someone who did not create safety or space in the conversation, but shut it down with arrogance, selfishness, and judgement.

So Stephanie, I guess all that’s to say: creating space to me looks like truly listening, hearing, feeling, not judging, humility, forgiveness, and affection.

Not sure how that translates into counseling, but that’s all I got.

I never would have opened up

but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me

Sarah McLachlan-Good Enough (Fumbling Towards Ecstasy)