Sountrack of our Lives

I've been writing to an old friend of mine struggling with some things over the past few weeks. Recently she asked me to tell her about the struggles Clint and I went through when we were dating and engaged and how we pushed through. I wrote her back a long email, and there is still so much more to write but as I typed this out I realized I'd never really verbalized this before:

I love that there’s a soundtrack to our history: in the beginning it was The Smiths and Mos Def. Then it was Patty Griffin’s 1,000 kisses, Let Go by Frou Frou, Crush by Dave Matthews, Green Eyes by Coldplay, and Rainslicker by Josh Ritter. In those first few months he turned me onto U2, Pedro the Lion, and Pearl Jam – it was a really intoxicating time.


"your eyes were so patient and calm
and green as the grass that might
grow on the 23rd psalm"
Josh Ritter, Rainslicker

"lovely lady, i am at your feet
god i want you so badly
and i wonder this
could tomorrow be so wonderous
as you there sleeping
let's go drive till morning comes
watch the sunrise
and fill our souls up"
dave matthews band ~ crush

"you are beautiful, eyes like doves, oh my love
you have lips like jewels, hair of gold, oh my love
wild as a vine is your love
but better than wine is your love
better than wine is your love
is your love
i tell you, my beloved
you cannot be replaced
with my left hand beneath your head
and my right arm around your waist
so take a deep breath
cause i feel a little drunk
but i'm in my right mind, love
and i know your love is so much
better than wine is your love
is your love"
derek webb ~ better than wine


this is the first day of my life
i swear i was born right in the doorway
i went out in the rain
and suddenly everything changed
there spreading blankets on the beach
yours is the first face i saw
i think i was blind before i met you
i dont know where i am and i dont know where ive been
but i know where i want to go
so i thought id let you know
these things take forever, i especially am slow
but i realized that i need you
and i wondered if i could come home
remember the time you drove all night
just to meet me in the morning
and i thought it was strange
you said everything changed
you felt as if you had just woken up
and you said this is the first day of my life
i'm glad i didnt die before i met you
but now i dont care, i could go anywhere
with you and i'd probably be happy
so if you want to be with me
with these things theres no telling
we just have to wait and see
but id rather be working for a paycheck
than waiting to win the lottery
besides maybe this time its different
i mean, i think you really like me."
bright eyes ~ First Day Of My Life

"day breaks and every morning when he wakes
he thinks of you"
elliot smith

"you're fast asleep
but i love you now."
ryan adams ~ i see monsters

"I have a smile
stretched from ear to ear
to see you walking down the road
we meet at the lights
I stare for a while
the world around us disappears
it's just you and me
on my island of hope
a breath between us could be miles
let me surround you
my sea to your shore
let me be the calm you seek
oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away
and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say i need you so
oh and every time I'm close to you
there's too much I can't say
and you just walk away
and I forgot
to tell you
I love you
and the night's
too long
and cold here
without you
I grieve in my condition
for I cannot find the words to say I need you so"
sarah mclaclan ~ i love you

"You can run from love
And if it’s really love it will find you
Catch you by the heel
But you can’t be numb for love
The only pain is to feel nothing at all
How can I hurt when I’m holding you?

And you feel like no one before
You steal right under my door
I kneel ‘cos I want you some more
I want the lot of what you got
And I want nothing that you’re not"
u2 ~ a man and a woman

The Pleasure Principle

“In our culture,” she said, while beatifically seated on a cushion, “women have been conditioned to have closed sexuality and open feelings, and men to have open sexuality and closed feelings. There’s this whole area of resistance and shame.”

read the full article at NYTimes.com

This is me today

I'm a lot more sensitive than I like to admit, and when I get upset sometimes I just stay inconsolable for a while.

A Man's Life

“One cannot be dead until the things he changed are dead. A man’s life dies as a commotion in a still pool dies, in little waves spreading and growing back toward stillness.”

To A God Unknown
John Steinbeck

A Few of my Favorite Things

FAIL Blog

Just a couple of reasons why I ♥ FAIL Blog

Seriously, Will the Blood & Guts Stop Following me Everywhere??

Poor Sadie girl had a tussle with something in our backyard. She lost.

I believe this is where you insert the word: FAIL.

Clint Wells is a really big deal

Show in Minneapolis with Gballs:



Birmingham Magazine [read: Carla Jean Whitley] did an article on Clint here.

Here, There, and Everywhere

Got to spend a couple days in Chicago with Clint. So so soooo nice. I was beginning to feel like Carrie in season 5 of Sex in the City after an unusually long dry spell in her dating life, “I just want a man to lie on top of me… so I can remember what it feels like”. Big thanks to our community group for getting us a two night stay at The fabulous Drake hotel. There were actually two separate bathrooms (including showers) in this room - that's how big it was.

Met up with the guys at the Double Door the first night and watched the show. There were a couple times when I couldn’t even hear Griffin because everyone was singing his songs SO loud. There was this one d-bag in the front who kept looking from right to left to see if the girls around him could tell that he knew all the lyrics. Geez. Anyway - great show. It was a packed house – something like 550 people.

Spent the rest of the time just hanging out. Thankfully it wasn’t too cold so we walked around, shopped, went up on this crazy high Ferris Wheel at Navy Pier (Clint actually started making gagging noises once we got to the top). The last day they had a record breaking temp of 61. Pretty amazing for February in Chi town. It only rained the second to last night as we were walking to dinner and a movie in West Roscoe. BTW if you had plans to go see The Wrestler – don’t. Mickey Rourke is genius but there is absolutely no redemption in the end, and if you’re like me you don’t pay $9 to see real life. You pay to escape reality for a little while.

All in all though it was a very nice visit, and if you follow Clint on Twitter you probably know more about it than you ever cared to :). Can't wait for New York!!

Quick note: If you ever meet him - watch out for Charlie Mars. He likes to open doors without knocking.

My cousin is a racist

JK, but really if you're easily offended I apologize in advance. These are his "last words" I recorded before he jumped out of an airplane at 14,000 feet.



[Nice cornrows in the background]

Here's a couple more pics from the jump.

Progress

Wonder where it went
Easy days when asked what
Was my struggle, and blithely
With shrugging shoulders
I would say, nothing

Years it took to purge
Bullshit answers and law
Find rest in questions and doubt
So much healing but
Still a refugee

With rueful longing
Steal subtle glimpses, times
I allow myself to hope,
To revel in joy
As much as sadness


As I lay in bed last night, I heard a train groaning as it made its way across the tracks. It made me think of Dewayne Wood and the kind of man he was teaching my husband to be before he died. It made me think about Steve and how he made Red Mountain such a safe place for me. It made me think of how sometimes I think people draw near to Brian Murphy, Cal Morris and Clint because of some unseen magnetism. Its a knowledge without answers, and a patience that grows and long-suffers. Its love, and it is so much more than most can bear.

I'm sitting at my desk today and all I can think is that I only have a few more hours until I can hang out with Heather Morris. She is one of a small group of people on this earth that mere proximity makes me feel understood, heard, and even saner. Heather told me that when she first met me she didn't like me. I love that. I asked her what turned her around, and she said it was my honesty. The more I think about all the relationships in my life that are so precious to me, I realize that they were all born out of unabashed honesty - and I really really like that.

That's all for now. Just trying to get out a longing that just won't let me go. 3 more hours.

I'll be waiting with a gun and pack of sandwiches

My new neighbor was held up at gunpoint getting out of her car on New Year's Eve and it got me to thinking:

1) I definitely need to be more vigilant than I have been - especially getting in and out of my car.

2) I think its really important for women to learn ways to empower themselves. And I don't mean this in a penis-envy, macho sort of way - quite the contrary. I think one of womens' greatest faults is that we does not know our own strength and don't trust ourselves, our intuitions and our ability to perform under extreme duress. It got me to thinking about all the emotions I had the first time I went to the shooting range. I was nervous and scared... not because I expected some basketcase to decide I would make a nice target, but because I didn't trust myself. "Will I be able to handle the kickback? Will I drop the gun? Will I accidentally shoot myself?". I think these are all very reasonable and appropriate thoughts to entertain the first time you handle a killing machine (which is what a gun is). There's a gravity to it that must be respected. But it was a pivotal moment for me when I picked up that gun, squeezed off a couple rounds and realized that I had nothing to be afraid of. There was no crazy kickback. I didn't drop the gun. My hands firmly enveloped the handle and my finger squeezed the trigger and a nice little hole appeared on the pristine target for which I was aiming. I was no longer a victim to my own fear.

Back to my neighbor - poor thing was just so upset. The guy got away with everything: keys, wallet, cellphone. She refused to come back to the house until the locks were changed and she had gone and gotten herself a rottweiler/german shepherd mix.

It got me to thinking: how can I be a help to the women in my community? How can I make them feel more empowered and less like victims? They say a predator takes note of the way a women carries herself and will not try to subdue one who looks confident and self-assured, but only ones who look like they won't put up a fight.

So I organized a trip to the shooting range and put in on Facebook and invited some of my lady friends. I went and bought a couple boxes of bullets and arranged for my friend David to come along as an instructor and we made a trip to the FOP range in Pleasant Grove this afternoon. Elisa, Liza, Krys, and Nicole had all never shot a pistol before so we started off with .22's and .25's and moved up calibers as everyone was comfortable.









As you can see from the targets below - everyone did great. I'm hoping to organize another trip for the spring.

Love is the Answer, and You Know That for Sure

I listened to the most depressing songs in a row (I think ever) last night. For about 2 hours I walked around my house taking a mental inventory of every ache, feeling all the sadness to a soundtrack of Love is Hell, 1,000 Kisses, and All That You Can't Leave Behind.

Sometimes you just gotta let yourself bleed you know?

And then when I was done, I started organizing. Because that's the natural progression of pain right?

My world has been in a zillion different directions lately. I have been doing a lot of lying to myself about how much I would miss Clint and how sad I am that he's going to be on the road. Why do I do that? I'm trying to be "strong" for him and all I end up doing is collecting sorrow and hurt until I explode.

And why does being strong look like not telling him I'm going to miss him or showing even a hint of sadness?

This is one of my more ingrained pieces of baggage [read: bullshit] that continually irks me even though we've gone through these steps a dozen times.

But what can you do? You explode into the loving arms of your husband for the zillionth time. He holds you as you cry and tells you its ok to be sad. You feel that sting of embarrassment for falling apart. But then you realize that you're married to a wonderful man who is there to pick up all the messy pieces and you think - maybe I will remember this next time.

Maybe.