Who's going to wear a sexy dress and have a Cosmo tomorrow night? It's me.

She's so heavy

In the middle of a conversation I was having this weekend I unwittingly articulated the reason behind something that had been bothering me for over a year now.

I had had a blowout, the deal breaking kind with someone whom I have loved for a very long time. Hard words were exchanged and the argument that followed was very ugly. I told this person that I didn’t like who they had become, or that they felt the need to lie about the person that they had become, and that I thought they were making a big mistake making a big life decision based on those lies or even feeling that their actions necessitated those lies at all.

What I got in return was: you’ve always been so open about your sin and I’ve always hated that about you. You never regret either, and I think you’re wrong not to. You should regret the things that you’ve done.

I ended up apologizing, as I should have. I was a bitch, and a judgmental one at that. My tone had been terrible and I had provoked some of the things that were exchanged.

So here I am a year later, just realizing why it is that I find myself reluctant to answer their calls or to pursue a relationship with them even though we‘ve technically patched things up.

It’s because they admitted to hating two of the things that define me as a person, and always have. It wasn’t that they hated something I had become, a habit I had picked up or a behavior that was detrimental - it was that they never really liked me as a person. They had actually hated me for some time.

Ouch. Took me long enough to add those up, right?

On a different note, a bit of bittersweet irony: my sister in law just got engaged two weeks ago and asked me to be her matron of honor. I could not be happier. Being a part of this family has been so healing for me. Mandy is the sister I always wanted.

Coincidentally my cousin called me last week to tell me my brother Burt got engaged. Not even my father’s pleas could stir him enough to pick up the phone to call and let me know.

I’ll take Mandy over Burt any day of the week, but wouldn’t it be nice if I could have both?

Mon Petit Chou

A particularly beautiful woman sat across from me recently sipping on blush wine and stealing puffs from someone else’s cigarette. She was talking about all the things she’s learned from her kids; how you going into it thinking of all the ways you’re going to teach your children the things you’ve learned in life, to impart on the them what wisdom you may have gleaned. But when it comes to that time in life where they’re thinking critically and struggling through life’s issues for themselves you realize: that wherever you are in life when you have your children, that’s where they will start out regardless of what you’re trying to teach them or not. That whatever you hold to be beautiful, and right, and true – that that is where they begin and they will build on those ideas for the rest of their lives.

On a warm spring evening a few days later I went to my safe place: a house tucked away on one of the quieter streets in crestwood. A dear from of mine was putting her two year old son to bed. He started to cry because he wanted a familiar object, his blanket, which she found and brought to him. But there was something else he needed, and wailed for it with tears streaming down his little face. No amount of searching could unearth this object. More tears ensued, accompanied with moans that signal that critical moment where normal crying goes into hysteria. I suddenly I remembered what it felt like to cry like that. Instead of reacting with impatience or anger, or even the slightest hint at frustration, the mother bent down and scooped her son into her arms cradled him and I heard her say in a voice like sugar, “I can’t find it buddy. I’m so sorry. I know that you’re so disappointed and it’s ok. I’m so sorry you’re disappointed.”

I realized that I too, had started to cry.

My friend came and sat facing me in her chair, and noticing my wistful expression said to me, “I just want him to always feel like he’s been heard, and that even at his young age that his feelings matter.”

I sat and wept on her sofa for the next two hours.

There is so much beauty all around me, and I feel as though some blinders have been lifted from my eyes and I am just now able to see it although I know it has always been there. Beautiful, strong, kind women fumbling through this rite of passage known as motherhood with no more to guide them than their instinct and the fellowship of others who have already walked this road. I feel that their presence in my life is having a softening effect, and for the first time I am not fighting it but basking in the promise that one day I will be a kinder, more hopeful woman. I long for this day.

A Birthday Extravaganza

We had a special community group last night to celebrate birthdays for Josh (4/22), Angel (5/05), Jim (5/13), and Abby (5/15). We had all kinds of food, dessert, and about a zillion bottles of wine. Even Kelly made it in from Mobile to hang. It was a great night. Thanks to Paul Canzoneri for getting some good pictures despite the fact that our crazy tall ceilings absorb nearly every iota of light.

For the lovely Danielle...

Who has always been so inspiring to me when it comes to exercise. Here is my current work-out playlist.

1. clear the area – imogen heap
2. like this – kelly rowland
3. tambourine – eve
4. wake up – rage against the machine
5. moment of clarity – jay z
6. the outsider – a perfect circle
7. shut up and drive – rihanna
8. vicarious – tool
9. pop, lock, and drop it – huey
10. dirt off your shoulder – jay z
11. the way I are – timbaland
12. kiss kiss- chris brown, t pain
13. headlock – imogen heap
14. make me better- fabulous (feat. Ne yo)
15. lock you down – mya
16. weak and powerless – a perfect circle
17. tough guy – the crystal method
18. roll it up – the crystal method
19. name of the game – the crystal method
20. keep hope alive – the crystal method
21. trip like I do – the crystal method
22. act a fool – lil jon and three 6 mafia
23. you are – pearl jam
24. stockholm syndrome – muse
25. hysteria – muse
26. breathe – telepopmusik

Coming soon... thoughts on mothers.

Current Top 5 Favorite Screams in Rock n’ Roll

1) Dream On – Aerosmith

2) We Won’t Get Fooled Again – The Who

3) The Outsider – A Perfect Circle

4) The Grudge – Tool

5) Wake Up – Rage Against the Machine

Sometimes small things make all the difference

I am married to a musician. This means a lot of things, but mostly it means that there will be stretches where I spend a lot of time on my own. This arrangement works out well most of the time. I paint, I do hair, I work out, I landscape, I play with my dog, and I hang out with friends and my family.

But sometimes though, there are not enough things to fill the day, and I feel the stab of aimlessness that comes from being one half of a whole unit living out too many consecutive solitary days. In those moments I am always surprised at how our friends, our community swoop in to make me feel... well, not so alone. And most of the times it’s really small things, like, a sentence being said at just the right time. I could list off the ones that have brought me comfort in the past two days, but I won’t. I’ll just smile quietly to myself, thankful that they were said.

The Evolution of our House

October 2007 - Listing Picture

December 2007 - Notice that the one scraggly tree next to the handrail has been cut down.

I had tilled the ground and put down a winter seed mix, but that was about all.

And now? Well, have a look for yourself...