3 Things

First:

My dog is scared of EVERYTHING!!!

This is ironic, because the sole purpose of getting a dog was to "protect me" while Clint's out late recording or on the road.

She's still my sweet little girl though.

Second:

Clint and I purchased a leather couch this past week. Kind of a spontaneous deal. Very unlike me. I'll 'circle' a pair of moderately priced shoes for sometimes up to a year before I buy them. It was totally worth it though because this couch is friggin' fantastic. And Allie won't get hair all over it. Yay!

Third:

I'm going to see Counting Crows next week! The first song I ever heard by the Counting Crows was on a cassette tape my Mom gave me in Middle School. I remember falling in love with the way Adam Duritz said my name in "Goodnight, Elisabeth". What a sad song, but I played it over and over again. Should be an incredible show.

Patriotic Songs at Church= Always a bad idea

Saturday morning, some girlfriends and I are packing up and heading down to Gulf Shores, Alabama for some much needed R & R and will be staying in the fabulous Island House hotel. Friday night I'm meeting Danielle at our half-way point in Tuscaloosa and we're going to hopefully stock up on all kinds of goodies and then enjoy a chilled out night with Clint at our apartment. I'm hoping to get out of B-ham early so as to maximize beach time......

That is unless Ernesto foils all of my plans. Damn Hurrican season. I was listening to the radio this morning and I realized that today is the one-year anniversary of Hurricane Katrina, or what is otherwise described as "one of the worst natural disasters in U.S. history". Over 1,800 people were killed as 80 percent of the city was submerged. At the time, Clint and I were doing the music for a church way out in Chelsea. I remember a man at the church who approached Clint one Sunday soon after Katrina and suggested that we sing some patriotic songs. I distinctly remember the incredulous look on Clint's face, but he totally went with it. "Well sir, why do you think we should do that?" And the man, serious as a damn heart attack, looked at him and said "Well, I mean, that's what we're fight for down there in New Orleans is America, isn't it?" Not fighting poverty, or homelessness, or devastation, and despair. No folks, we're fighting for AMERICA in every catastrophe. I remember being so proud of Clint as he looked that man in the face and said ever so tactfully, "Well sir, I'm only given 4 or 5 songs a week to sing, and I don't know about you, but I'd rather sing about Jesus." Another reason my husband is probably better than yours.

As I was reading the article above, I came upon this quote and I really liked it:

''I'm going to pray to the good Lord that he put his arms around the levees. I'm praying that he hug the levees tight so they don't break again, that he keep us safe,'' said 58-year-old Doretha Kitchens, whose home in the Lower Ninth Ward was submerged under a 10-foot wave.

I love to hear people talk about God in such familiar, physical terms. How comforting and terrifying, to think of being hugged by God-his ability to be so gentle and yet the thought of his physically holding together levees that hold back tons and tons of water. I love it. And to hear someone that has been through such a disaster still be able to say "the good Lord". . I think it's really beautiful. I hope that one day I can believe like that too.

So all that to say: I really hope that there's not a hurricane this weekend, nor any other weekend for a long time.

I also hope that i don't see any of these:

Is anyone else in the world still totally traumatized by watching JAWS when they're were entirely too young? Cause I definitely am.

Needles are the bain of my existence

I hate needles. I hate it when people palpate my veins. I hate having blood drawn. But even more, I hate being stuck multiple times without any success then being rescheduled to come back for more unsuccessful sticking on another day the following week.

This has been a very bad day.

What does it mean to create safety/space?

I’m probably the last person that should be writing about this. I used to think I was good at it. My whole life I’ve always had people tell me really personal things, things they wouldn’t tell other people, and why? Well, I used to tell myself that I’m a good listener, or maybe that it was because I didn’t judge them. Who knows what it really was?

So why is it so different in my marriage?

I think a lot of it has to do with a comment I made on Bonita’s blog. I think it’s easy to create freedom and safety when the issues being discussed don’t have anything to do with you. But in marriage, everything has to do with you (or at least that’s how it feels). Everything is personal. Every time you open the space up to discussion, you’re holding on to past conversations, past hurts and they’ve already got you on edge. You're in essence "letting your own shit cloud the space". How do you not do that? Forgiveness is not something that comes easily for me. You hurt me and it’s over. Period. But, it doesn’t really work that way in marriage. It’s an intimate and painful relationship meant to last forever, so how do you keep the hurt pile from accumulating so much that there’s no more room to breathe? The thing is, I really don’t know.

What I DO know is, creating a safe place for me looks like this: speaking calmly, only bringing up one issue at a time (because I have many), not rehashing or saying the same thing multiple times just worded differently, accepting an apology and not continuing to dig for more apologies, and for God’s sake TOUCHING ME (ie. Sitting close, holding hands, etc.). Touching me during a potentially explosive conversation communicates this: we’re fighting, but I still love you and it’s OK. Giving me time to think about what I want to say is important too. When I get upset, all rational thought leaves me and all I can think about is running away or slapping the hell out of somebody. Terrible, I know. True? Yes.

Like most things in life, I think safety looks like different things to different people. For Clint, if I open up an argument admitting that the fight is at least 50% my fault, it goes a lot better. That’s probably why our fights are so ugly, because 99% of the time, that doesn’t happen. I’m a prideful piece of shit, I know.

But what does it look like for other people? Over the past couple of months I’ve had some really intense conversations with friends, some over issues dealing with our relationship and some having nothing to do with it. The common theme seems to be that people just want to be heard, and understood. They don’t want advice, or answers, they just want someone who will feel the weight of their pain and not dismiss it. Brian Murphy recently posted a prime example of someone who did not create safety or space in the conversation, but shut it down with arrogance, selfishness, and judgement.

So Stephanie, I guess all that’s to say: creating space to me looks like truly listening, hearing, feeling, not judging, humility, forgiveness, and affection.

Not sure how that translates into counseling, but that’s all I got.

I never would have opened up

but you seemed so real to me
after all the bullshit I've heard
it's refreshing not to see
I don't have to pretend
she doesn't expect it from me

Sarah McLachlan-Good Enough (Fumbling Towards Ecstasy)

The thing about my husband is, he's probably way better than yours

First and foremost he's a great man. He's honest, intelligent, un-pretentious, well-read, open-minded, progressive, hard-working, talented, creative, approachable, and intense. He appreciates beauty, quality, and good art. He loves books, as you can see from our already overflowing library. He loves all manner of diet sodas, imported beer, cool t-shirts, blue jeans, non-overhead lighting, and John Lennon. He also loves the rock and roll.

Bands hire him to play because he kicks ass on the guitar in the most tasteful way possible. Sometimes he has too much to drink and he takes off his pants, pulls his boxers up and dances for people. Other times he raps and it's incredible. When his hair gets in his face, he's got no shame for pulling it back with a barrette. He is familiar with pain, and is not afraid to sit in it. He's taught me a lot in a very short period of time.

It's a boy!

One of my best friends in the world, Amanda, found out that she is having a boy this week. Amanda and I have been friends since 8th grade. We've had some hard times, but she has been an incredible person in my life, and played a really important role in my becoming a believer. She is a great woman, and I couldn't be more excited that she and her husband of almost 3 years will have their first child come January. I guess this makes me an aunt of sorts. Hooray.

Clint and I had a gathering at our place Saturday night and it turned out to be quite the happening deal. We started out eating dinner at the Lindo, then after everyone had had a couple margaritas we decided it would be an excellent idea to watch Napolean Dynamite. It was me, Clint, Brian, Andrea, and Benj to start out with. Then Kelly and the Westerholds showed up. We had a fantastic time sitting on our porch, talking about life. And sex. Because what conversation is complete without talking about that? Plus it was all girls outside and we just can't help ourselves.
Then we came inside and all piled on top of Brian Murphy. Not really sure why we did this, but it seemed appropriate at the time. **Brian then proceded to take his pants off twice and dance for us, similar to what my husband did at community group last week. It was great. Thankfully he didn't threaten to relieve himself off of our balcony though. . .unlike someone else I know...**

Today my new friend Andrea and I drove out to my in-law's lakehouse. I hate even saying "in-laws" because it has such a negative connotation and these people are some of the best people I've ever known. I was telling Andrea about it on the way down there, and I stopped to think "Man, I'm really lucky to have married into such a cool family." Michelle, Clint's mom is such a role model to me. She has been through SO much and is remarkably not bitter, which is foreign to me. It's something the women in my family have all struggled with.

Tonight, I met up with my brother to go see Snakes on a Plane. Yes, I did pay money to go see this film and I'm telling you, it was fantastic. Snakes were seriously all over this plane, people dying from their venomous bites left and right, and finally when Samuel L. Jackson decides he' s had enough he screams "I'm tired of all these mothaf***in' snakes on this mothaf***in' plane!" and he takes his gun and blows out the windows mid-flight. Everybody in the theater starting clapping and cheering. Spectacular. A cinematic snack if you will.

And now, I'm about to snuggle up with my dog and my husband until I am too sleepy, and then I will go to bed. That's a great weekend if you ask me.

How's that for a slap on the wrist?

In a 44-page memorandum and order, U.S. District Judge Anna Diggs Taylor struck down the NSA program, which she said violates the rights to free speech and privacy.…[and] the separation of powers doctrine, the Administrative Procedures Act, the First and Fourth amendments to the United States Constitution, the FISA and Title III." Her ruling went on to say that "the president of the United States ... has undisputedly violated the Fourth in failing to procure judicial orders." Read the whole article.

I've been really pissed off at the world for a while

And I haven’t really known why. So I sat down recently, started thinking about it, and I think that if I had to put my finger on it, I’d say the core issue is congruence, or well, a lack there-of. Congruence is a psychological term used to define a state of being where all of the facets of your personality intersect: the real self, the perceived self, and the ideal self. Congruence is that state in which all of these facets are balanced by each other.

And I’m struggling with this in two ways: one, trying to understand and know my real self apart from what I perceive or idealize myself to be, while at the same time, evaluating everyone else’s perception of me (well, really just Clint’s because he lives with me and sees the monster on a day to day basis). I’ve had people project personality traits on me my whole life that I don’t necessarily agree with, some good, some bad. Some of them I’ve even projected on myself. I have all these conceptions about myself that I’ve carried around for a lifetime, and now I’m looking my husband in the face and he’s telling me things that are totally different. I’m having to sort through the perceived to find what’s real and it’s turned out to be much more difficult than I expected.

William B. Swann said, our self views represent the lens in which we view the world. That’s why is so important to have a clear self view, because it affects all things. It’s our way of making sense of the world, and everything in it. Apparently I need some windex.

“What am I and where am I? Strange myself and paths appear. Scarce can lift a thought on high or drop one hear-feeling tear. Yet I feel I’m not at home, but know not which way to move. Lest I farther yet should roam from my blessed love.”

Maybe this is why I hate church

In response to Matt's question on Brian's blog. If you can understand this, you will understand a lot about why I hate church.


A wanton soul found dead in despondence
whose licentious acts did deny her solace
stood stolid in despair's repose
was chagrined at introspections probe
fell blushing at the bulwark church
in desperation's awful lurch
aware the fearful, fetid stench
that left her lone, an alien entrenched
and though she bawled, and beat her breast
was haughty dubbed in her distress
and silent did her tears descend
in pregant pools display her sin
and there in destitution lay
a prodigal pauper come to pay
a debt no man could 'ere conceive
that only death could 'ere relieve.

Have you ever “broken up” with a friend?

I heard this song on the radio on the way to work this morning, and it got me thinking.

“Wish you would step back from that ledge my friend. Cut ties with all the lies that you’ve been living in. And you if do not want to see me again, I would understand.”

I had a super close girlfriend 4 years ago. We met at my old church doing a disciple now together. We bonded immediately over confessions of our seedy pasts. We remained close for about 2 years until some things happened and we couldn’t move past them. Well, I couldn’t move past them, and we just stopped talking. Cold.

This all happened the month before I met Clint. Well, a few days ago I got on IM for the first time in a couple of years and she messaged me. We chatted for a bit, and I gave her my myspace page address. The next day she wrote me a really beautiful poem about our friendship, and what talking to me had made her realize about it. I was totally speechless.

It made me wonder: can you, in a friend-relationship, move beyond a perfidious past? Or is it like a marriage, where when the ties are broken, there’s really no chance to mend? Are there some friendships that are really just meant to last for a little while?

Mer de Noms

I cannot stop listening to this record. I seriously think I've listened to it almost 10 times through in the past 5 days. It's definitely the kind of music that my friend Danielle says "stresses her out", but I can't get enough. I'm probably going to listen to it on my lunch break and on the way home.

And I can’t quite put my finger on what it is I specifically am drawn to, but I freakin’ love it...how angry, intelligent, weird, beautiful, and complicated it is. I love that The Hollow is the first song. The guitar and the drums on this song makes me want to do hard manual labor and relish every drop of sweat. Especially the guitar.

Rose has a really delicate melody about being stuck in a destructive relationship and being scared to get out, set to a hard, mechanical sounding techno background. I love when it gets to the end and Maynard is screaming “I am, I will”.

Judith. I was listening to this on the way home yesterday thinking about what an interesting time we live in where we have songs that say “F*** your God, your Lord, your Christ”. It made me start thinking about what it must have been like to live before Jesus and to constantly be walking that tight rope of the law. It made me think of the liberty we have today, and how deep down I wonder if it’s possible to offend God. Most of the time I think not, but I’m not completely positive. “It's not like you killed someone. It's not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side. Talk to Jesus Christ as if he knows the reasons why. He did it all for you...”. He just keeps repeating that last line and it’s incredible.

3 Libras is a stand out track for me. I love the rise and fall. I couldn’t even tell you what it’s about except for a guess that he’s trying to love someone with a lot of baggage, and all his efforts fall like water on a rock. I love hearing Maynard sing about feeling “disappointed and passed over” At the end of the song he sings over and over “you don’t see me. You don’t see me at all” and it gives me chills.

Sleeping Beauty- Clint pointed this one out to me. It’s about that desire in men to “rescue” women. There are some really great lines on this track like “Drunk on ego. Truly thought I could make it right if I, kissed you one more time…but you're far too poisoned for me. Such a fool to think that I could wake you from your slumber, that I could actually heal you.”

Thinking of You- I won’t say what this song is really about because talking about before just got me on people’s crap list. I will say, that it's one of the hottest songs I've heard in my entire life.

Brena- Beautiful song about vulnerability. Surprisingly mellow. Love the lines “show me lonely and show me openings to lead me closer to you, my dear Breña. Vulnerable but it’s all right. Opening to heal...”

Over- I just love the piano part in this song.

Clint and I need a vacation

Got any ideas? I'm trying to plan something for the two of us for this fall without breaking the bank.

I can't wait until January, when we'll be at the place below, up in the Smokey Mountains with a bunch of friends, lots of vino, cigars, a chessboard, and no alarm clocks.
















Not to mention our own private jacuzzi and a king size bed! Not that I don't love sleeping in Clint's armpit every night mind you, but a vacation from our double bed will be oh so nice.

Weekend Summation-Warning: This will be boring for the most part

Friday night Clint and I met up with Josh and Abby for dinner at WINGS, then met up with Rob and Amy to go see the premier of Talladega Nights. I really enjoyed it, although Clint said it could have been better. Favorite line “She’s like a tractor beam of hotness.”

Saturday I did laundry in our 80 degree apartment…well, it was actually 80 degrees because I was doing laundry. I digress. A girl I met at the dog park came over and I trimmed up her hair while we played a Sex in the City trivia game that Clint picked up for me a couple weeks ago. I know, I know. I’m obsessed.

I attempted to take advantage of the tax-free holiday by going to the Galleria that afternoon. Big mistake. I swear every high-schooler within 3 states was there. I immediately left. Immediately. Ha.

That night Clint played at a new venue The Mellow Martini out in Greystone. Eh. Kind-of uppity if you know what I mean. Lots of frat boy looking types, which is why I was glad that BTM came out and sat with me so I didn’t have to wave off drunk losers all night. Ugh, guys really don’t care about wedding rings do they? I swear. There was a guy a couple of weeks ago at Firenze that just couldn’t get his head around “Hey, see that hot guy up there playing guitar? Yeah, we’re married. Buzz off.”

So it came time to go home, and I got my first ride on a motorcycle! Pretty thrilling really, even though I don’t think we went more than 45 mph the whole time because I am a total chicken. At one point I was afraid my contacts were going to fly right off of my eyeballs. Brian was a good sport about it though, and since I wasn’t terrorized the first time I’ll be more apt to try it again.

Yesterday I did two more haircuts (I’ve been doing a lot of hair lately), then met up with my brother for some dinner. I love my brother. I don’t think there are words to describe how much I love my brother. I’d probably be more devastated if something happened to him than most anyone on the planet. He’s leaving next week to go to grad school at Alabama and I’m going to miss him a lot because I probably won’t see him until football season is over. Alabama football is religion in my family.

After church we went to Abby and Josh’s to hang out. We brought out the vino, turned on some hip-hop music, and before we knew it, we were having a party. Clint actually had enough to drink that he rapped through 3 songs. Brian and Josh were so moved by Clint’s rap that they starting dancing and Josh got up on his countertop to an interpretive dance for us all.

Gotta love camera phones. And yes, that is Brian’s hand on Josh’s crotch.

Sometimes I am a brick wall of mistrust

The glass it hits the floor and you're walking away

But I wanna be the one who walks you home

Who walks you home anyway

Stare into her eyes and then try to explain it

Try to explain it

But that shit just fucks you up

And I can never get close enough

I can never get close

I can never get close enough
To you

Stormy: Cross-eyed or no?

Last month, Clint went on the road for a couple days with IG. Not liking to be at home when he’s not there, I went to visit a girlfriend of mine in Starkville, MS- Danielle, who just had a baby recently. We had a blast. We took Allie and her Boston terrier Petey to the park, went for sushi, did a total make-over on Danielle for her birthday...just plain had a great time.

Friday night when I got in we went to the liquor store and got the ingredients for some Cosmopolitans and we spent the night sitting around drinking and watching Sex in the City. Well, that night I slept like a baby what with all the alcohol in my system. The next night- totally different story. See, Danielle has these two kittens Ginger and Stormy that like to tap dance on your head while you’re sleeping. Stormy, the smaller of the two, is what Danielle likes to call ‘touched’ which is a nice way to say he has brain damage. This is Stormy:

The whole weekend I kept saying that Stormy was cross-eyed, but Danielle and Gabe just didn't see it. What do you think?