I've been really pissed off at the world for a while

And I haven’t really known why. So I sat down recently, started thinking about it, and I think that if I had to put my finger on it, I’d say the core issue is congruence, or well, a lack there-of. Congruence is a psychological term used to define a state of being where all of the facets of your personality intersect: the real self, the perceived self, and the ideal self. Congruence is that state in which all of these facets are balanced by each other.

And I’m struggling with this in two ways: one, trying to understand and know my real self apart from what I perceive or idealize myself to be, while at the same time, evaluating everyone else’s perception of me (well, really just Clint’s because he lives with me and sees the monster on a day to day basis). I’ve had people project personality traits on me my whole life that I don’t necessarily agree with, some good, some bad. Some of them I’ve even projected on myself. I have all these conceptions about myself that I’ve carried around for a lifetime, and now I’m looking my husband in the face and he’s telling me things that are totally different. I’m having to sort through the perceived to find what’s real and it’s turned out to be much more difficult than I expected.

William B. Swann said, our self views represent the lens in which we view the world. That’s why is so important to have a clear self view, because it affects all things. It’s our way of making sense of the world, and everything in it. Apparently I need some windex.

“What am I and where am I? Strange myself and paths appear. Scarce can lift a thought on high or drop one hear-feeling tear. Yet I feel I’m not at home, but know not which way to move. Lest I farther yet should roam from my blessed love.”