Lyrics that make you shudder

I was driving up 4th Ave, listening to Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah, staring at my neighbor's japanese maple today when I heard:

Well maybe there's a God above
but all I ever learned from love
was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya.

Damn, that's good.

Vicarious

Consider this a criticism on those that would call the use of ultra-violence in films, “Good Art”. I’ll use the film Hostel as my example.

Some would say that Hostel is merely a subversive commentary on Capitalism; its perversion of those who have amassed great wealth through it and those who are abused by its disparities.

If I really want to see the absolute disparity that capitalism causes, I don’t need to pay $9 to watch grotesque brutality preceded by soft porn - I’ll just take a walk down my street.

And since when did ‘good art’ include women having their eyes ripped out of their face and blow torched?

Eye on the the TV
'Cause tragedy thrills me
Whatever flavor it happens to be, like...
"Killed by the husband"
"Drowned by the ocean"
"Shot by his own son"
"She used a poison
in his tea...kissed him goodbye"
That's my kind of story
It's no fun 'til someone dies

Pre-emptively I would say that sensational journalism has aestheticized violence, but then I would be kidding myself. I mean the human race has always thrived on tragedy. Think about it: during the Roman Era, slaves were forced to fight to the death in the middle of a Coliseum full of bloodthirsty spectators. During the Middle Ages, women purported to be witches were burned alive in front of approving audiences. Public lynchings weren’t outlawed in the United States until 1918. When they hung Saddam Hussein, how many of you googled it?

I need to watch things die... from a good safe distance
Vicariously I live while the whole world dies

I used to like scary movies. No really, I did. I mean, what 15 year old girl doesn’t love a great excuse to bury her face in some guy’s arm?

But then I saw tragedy, horror, death with my own eyes, in my own life happening to people I care about and suddenly watching movies with all those things seemed like an insult to the true pain I had witnessed – a profane imitation of real life events that only serves to upset me to see it. So I choose not to watch those things.

But for all you people out there who really do honestly dig horror flicks, don’t feel too bad. You’re just following the lead of every generation that has come before you. Just don’t parade your basic desire to see explicit violence and tragedy as an appreciation for good art, and don’t judge me for not joining the masses.

Why can’t we just admit it… we all feed on tragedy.

Vicarious – 10,00 Days, Tool

Painful Relationships Part I (Because I am certain there will be more)

God I am in such a bad mood.

Do you ever do that thing, where you want something so bad you push for it in just the wrong way and all it does is make the thing you want that much farther away?

I can’t tell you how many times I have listened to people in the throws of the receiving end of such action. It’s so easy to pinpoint exactly what it is causing the offensive party to say or do such things, but to the receiver it’s just inconvenient and annoying.

It’s so hard to be gracious with people who’ve got their sights set on something they need or want from you. It’s so much easier to shut down or avoid it altogether then try and see what’s really driving it and what the appropriate action may be. God, why is it so fucking hard?

Maybe I’m mad because I feel guilty. Maybe I’m mad because it’s legitimate. Or maybe it just makes me scared about the kind of person I am. I don’t know. What I do know is that I can’t get this lyric out of my head:

“sometimes a hurt is so deep, deep, deep you think that you’re gonna drown.”

My Mother Made a Liar Out of Me

So I’m working in the yard two nights ago and Mom rolls up in her truck. I do a double take and notice she’s got something very interesting in the passenger seat: Zeus.

I know.

I run up to the car and yank the door open, and hug the behemoth, looking completely exasperated at my mom. “What happened??” Tears are pouring down my face.

Apparently there was some kind of miscommunication with the vet office. They thought they were supposed to QUARANTINE Zeus since he bit someone, not put him down. Mom said she had come in that day and Dad looked agitated. He sat her down and told her about the mix up and that he had decided that it was a sign, he had changed his mind, and he was going to pick him up. So there they were standing in my front yard, Mom with Zeus who looked happy as a clam.

I don’t know that I’ve ever cried so hard out of sheer joy.

Chernobyl Dog

Well it seems old Zeus will no longer be biting faces, taking up space in my bed, stealing steaks off plates, freaking out to my dad saying, “goodnight!”, or amazing people with his sheer gargantuan-ness. Mom and Dad put him to sleep yesterday.

Time for Installation II of: Plants I Want in My Yard

Forsythia

Creeping Phlox

Liriope

Pampas Grass

Love is Hell

I’ve been listening to this record all morning, over and over. About 3x to be exact; and I swear I feel like I’m peeking through some portal of what must have been running through Clint’s mind in those first few months we were together. So raw and honest… it really digs into the insecurities he [Adams] has a man, a partner, and just a human really.

I’ve always loved “I See Monsters”. If it came on right now I could sing you all the lyrics, but I really thought about them today as I was listening.

“When she calls I know that she’s the one. Makes me want it harder, makes me want to be a little stronger. Still I see monsters…”

We’ve struggled so much with what we call our “ghosts”. Those heavy haunts of family baggage and past relationships that make you act crazy when really all you want to do is make someone like you. We hit a lot of Clint’s “ghost” issues pretty early on in the relationship. I remember at that time how much Clint was listening to this record and he put a couple songs on a mix CD for me to hear but I just didn’t quite grasp their significance. Not until this morning that is.

I love art that makes you feel like you’re looking at a snapshot from someone’s brain. It can be something so small, but it represents such a host of emotion and history. To listen, to read, to take it in is like living a moment in someone else’s life. For that moment you can understand clearly the things that were driving them to their ultimate actions. What an incredible connection.


“She comes apart in the avalanche.
Fades out like a dance.
Crawls back into bed when it’s over. ..
They taught you how to feel, but you just feel numb” -Avalanche


“She started freezing, lungs are collapsing
The momentum is passing, but the moment is eating us whole
We're surrounded
Put the guns in the water, they're turning to vodka
Triggering nothing we're sinking the sea takes the ship
And I'm really dying in here
I'm really dying in here
I'm afraid. No I'm scared.” -Afraid Not Scared


“Most people never find the love
Sometimes you just cant be a man
When your living in the darkness
Of the shadowlands” -The Shadowlands