I think sometimes I make myself listen to certain music because it’s the only thing that can draw emotion out of me- or open me up to let it in

I have realized more and more lately how much pain there is in the world. Part of it I’ve always known, and part of it I started thinking about this past weekend at the Community Group Leaders retreat. The question was asked: what draws people to Red Mountain? Forgive my assumption, but I feel like most people come to Red Mtn because they carry so much pain that most churches won’t acknowledge whether it’s church baggage, family baggage-whatever, there’s more than enough to go around. The point is: Red Mountain Church is a church that is very aware of the pain in everyones’ lives and the struggles we face every day as long as we’re on this earth because of the fall. Yes there are people that go to Red Mtn that seem to “have it together”, yes there are people who think very differently about grace and feel differently about moral issues than say, me, but I really think the allure is the same and is predominant: People need to admit to themselves and others that every day in this world is hard, and that all of our joys here will forever be mixed with grief. It just so happens that some days are harder than others.

It seems lately that the pain of those around me has been very deep and of the despairing sort. The kind of pain you hang your head when you talk about. Or hear about. The kind of pain whose only solace is empathy, community, honesty, and sometimes just some good art.

My grandfather passed away almost 4 years ago. I loved him dearly. He had a voice like sandpaper and a face to match. He used to sing old country songs and hymns, and I swear he sounded just like Johnny Cash. When he died I didn’t cry. I was entirely too numb. It wasn’t until almost 2 years later that I shed my first tear for him. My parents had ordered a box set of Johnny Cash Hymns. I listened to all of them and wept. Well, when I got American IV: The Man Comes Around, I totally lost it. He does a bunch of covers of really great songs, but the two that kill me are the Beatles ‘In My Life’ and Nine Inch Nails 'Hurt'.

I sat in my car on my lunch break yesterday and listened to this record and wrote in my journal. It was really therapeutic and kind of helped me face some of the things I knew I’d be talking about in counseling last night. Yes, I go to counseling. On a regular basis.

Anyway,somehow listening to certain music helps me open myself more readily to painful situations that are going on in my life so that I can move around inside them and find some kind of clarity. Do any of you feel this way? It even helps me when I’m mad at Clint to listen to some of the mix cd’s he made for me when we were dating and remember that yes, I do love him for a reason, and yes he’s the same man I fell in love with. I’ve even made his ring tone ‘Beautiful Boy’ by John Lennon so that when we’ve had a spat and the LAST thing I want to do is answer that damn phone, it somehow calms me down to hear that song and remember that I picked it because it’s true- even though it may not feel like it at the moment.

I don’t really know what I’m trying to say. I guess what I’m trying to say is, sometimes art (being music, books, poetry) helps us deal with pain better than so many other things out there. There’s something disarming it, in feeling like maybe someone out there feels the way that you do. I guess that’s why I write on this blog. I want to feel like I’m not alone, and that maybe someone out there is experiencing the same things I am. So I guess in some respect I'm saying that good art leads us toward a shared experience, or in other words community. And a community like Red Mtn, well, that's a community that loves good art, is exeedingly honest about pain, and loves some good wine. Man, no wonder I love my church...

There are places I'll remember

All my life though some have changed

Some forever not for better

Some have gone and some remain

All these places have their moments

With lovers and friends I still can recall

Some are dead and some are living

In my life I've loved them all

Though I know I'll never lose affection

For people and things that went before

I know I'll often stop and think about them

In my life I love you more

In my life I love you more