I went to the park the other day with Allie like I do most days. I was having a phone conversation when I arrived so I sat on the ground a ways away from the picnic table where the others were sitting. There is a girl that frequents the park with her puppy, and every time the group sees her, they groan and disperse to try and avoid her. You see, she’s young and insecure and tries to overcompensate by talking. This girl, I’ll call her Stephanie, came and sat by me on the ground. Immediately she started talking about this and that. I looked at her and something came over me. I asked “can I ask you something without offending you?” She looked nervous and nodded her head. “you’re pregnant aren’t you?” Her mouth pursed, “is it obvious?” she asked. “No”, I replied. Then she started telling me how she was going to have an abortion but her roommate stole the $400 she needed to have it done in the first trimester, but now she was going to have to drive to Georgia to have it done since she’s in her second trimester and no one will do it in Alabama that far along. I told her that I had always believed in a woman’s right to choose, much to the dismay of my friends. And the weirdest thing happened: right after I said it, I had the most intense desire to be pregnant- to have a baby growing inside me. I swear for second I could feel what it was like. For anyone who knows me, you know that this is quite a departure from my usual sentiments about pregnancy. I shook my head as if to shake the thought and continued our conversation until it was time to go.
A couple years ago, I was spending time with a girlfriend of mine who’d become very intimate with her boyfriend of a few months. She was very excited about the relationship; the two had even talked of marriage. The girl, a virgin, began delving into some of the physical aspects of their relationship as we were walking around shopping. Although she claimed to have never had intercourse with this young man, I could see where the relationship was going. I looked at her in the face and said “I’ll be right back”. I returned a moment later and we got into the check out line. The lady began to ring up my merchandise and the girl caught site of a pack of condoms- what I had gone to retrieve. I took them out of my plastic bag and put them in her purse. “Do not take those out and don’t let him see them, but if anything happens, make him put one on”. She looked at me, slightly frustrated, slightly relieved, and smiled.
I’m pretty aware that I’m an offensive person. I have a lot of ‘unsavory’ qualities. I probably pretty rarely "do the right thing"- whatever that means. But every once in a while I feel like some of my more offensive qualities actually affect someone in a good way. Maybe a way that doesn’t look quite right, but it's honest and real and it feels right. It feels right to look at someone like the girl from the park and just listen, and not be thinking about all of the scripture verses I should be sharing with her, or how I should be trying to change her mind about having an abortion. It felt good to not try and fix her, but to give her space and trust that God really does know what he's doing.
A couple years ago, I was spending time with a girlfriend of mine who’d become very intimate with her boyfriend of a few months. She was very excited about the relationship; the two had even talked of marriage. The girl, a virgin, began delving into some of the physical aspects of their relationship as we were walking around shopping. Although she claimed to have never had intercourse with this young man, I could see where the relationship was going. I looked at her in the face and said “I’ll be right back”. I returned a moment later and we got into the check out line. The lady began to ring up my merchandise and the girl caught site of a pack of condoms- what I had gone to retrieve. I took them out of my plastic bag and put them in her purse. “Do not take those out and don’t let him see them, but if anything happens, make him put one on”. She looked at me, slightly frustrated, slightly relieved, and smiled.
I’m pretty aware that I’m an offensive person. I have a lot of ‘unsavory’ qualities. I probably pretty rarely "do the right thing"- whatever that means. But every once in a while I feel like some of my more offensive qualities actually affect someone in a good way. Maybe a way that doesn’t look quite right, but it's honest and real and it feels right. It feels right to look at someone like the girl from the park and just listen, and not be thinking about all of the scripture verses I should be sharing with her, or how I should be trying to change her mind about having an abortion. It felt good to not try and fix her, but to give her space and trust that God really does know what he's doing.
And to the other girl, some would say that I did the wrong thing, that I was promoting pre-marital sex, or even enabling it. I felt like maybe my actions enabled her to be more responsible with her sexuality, and that if they did end up having sex that she wouldn't end up pregnant or worse... but who really knows what’s right?
The thing is I could be totally wrong about all of this, and I guess I'm ok with that. But all I know for now is: every once in a while it feels ok to be in this dirty skin of mine.
13 comments:
Liz – I think you and I are similar in that we can both be offensive, but underneath that (maybe what drives that?) is a genuine desire to get to know people, to have people know us, and to cut through some relational bullshit and just be able to talk. you know? I don’t think it’s coincidence that you are having conversations like the type you describe here all the time. also, I don’t think you are as offensive as you think you are.
And christians have sexuality so screwed up, especially with the way sexual behaviour / morality is taught to children / teens. I’m still digging out of that one…I think I’ll be digging out of that one for awhile.
brian- i definitely feel that way. i have always wanted to bypass the bullshit and get to what's real- to know and be known. but brian, i am probaby not as offensive to you because we are so similar. you know? i've pissed off more people in my life than i every care to know about...
and christians have definitely screwed up sexuality. i was lucky to have a mother who was an open book, who talked to me about sex from the time i starting asking questions when i was 4. i think as a whole christians need to stop thinking about sexuality so black and white: "don't have sex until you're married. period." and saying: "if you do have sex, here's what you need to know" and allowing people to make their own informed decisions about it. then again, i haven't had my own children yet so i'm sure it will be much harder said than done, but hopefully i'll be able to give them a lot of freedom when that situation presents itself.
so all that to say: i agree.
I think people in general (Christians, especially) are bad about not trying to fix things. I know I need to do a great deal more listening than flapping my mouth.
I firmly believe that God knows what He's doing.. I also believe that He chooses to use us.. the frail, sinful, doubting people that we are to aid in His purpose. And I think it's important to remember that God uses everything (even the "bad") to glorify Himself. Not that He's not utterly grieved by our sin and defiance, but He uses it to His glory. And I'm thankful for that.
danielle- me too
Liz, you and I probably have different views of abortion than anything else, but I still think you offered something intangible and beautiful to that girl. A second-term abortion is a scary scary thing and only a little bit safer now than it was before Roe V. Wade. What more could you offer someone in that situation than a little bit of yourself? Nobody wants to have an abortion. It's not anybody's choice, really.
I don't know why we want to have babies. I guess we're just made to bring life here to planet earth. One way or another.
Anyway, Jesus was offensive and Scripture is offensive and the Apostle Paul was plenty offensive. So, maybe some of your "offensiveness" is wisdom? Maybe so.
Just a thought.
Su.
per Su... Make sure its the cross that is offensive, not you.
Liz, I agree with you about this much: For the most part, the evangelical churches apologetic for these issues sucks. Most churches barely give teens much more than the most fundamentalist/moralist arguments for abstinence.
You and Clint should get the theology of the body. It freakin' rocks!
Robert!
Are you reading the Theology of the Body? Weird. I've gone back to the stuff by Paul VI written in the 60's about the same kind of issues and I've found it to be MUCH more accessible than J.P. II's stuff. I think J.P. II is just a really complex thinker.
Liz, let me know if you'd like to read that stuff. I can get it for you. It really did rock our whole view of these issues.
Su
su- your comment made me smile. thanks. i need smiles.
robert- the first line of your comment makes absolutely no sense to me.
what is the book about?
The book actually a series of lectures (78'-84') by JPII. It's about "the body" as a biblical type. But, it deals directly with sexuality.
Su. I got mine for $10 on ebay. My old roommate wants to write a protestant commentary on this book. (the one that is out there is cheese) JP2s not fluff. I don't think it would be that difficult for Clint, since he reads a bit of philosophy and handles the bible pretty well.
I think we as Christians usually spend our time being either culturally sensitive (EC) or counter-culturally sensitive (everyone else). But JPII is calling for the church to be culture-transformational.
Liz, what I'd really like to show you from The Theology of the Body and from Paul IV's writing is the idea that our sexuality in general and the sex act in particular are inextricable parts of our identity.
In my opinion, modern feminism seeks to simultaneously desparage uniquely feminine characteristics and to strip them from the female identity altogether. The result is the notion that women should live like men. They should work like men do, have sex like men do, exhibit strength like me do, relate to other people like men do, and show intellegence the same way men do.
That's unacceptable because it assumes there is something intrinsically wrong with the way women naturally do these things.
Realizing that has really shown me that women are women generally and I am a woman specifically. When I work, relate, have sex, parent, breathe, eat and sleep I do so as a woman. (It's a tragedy of modern culture that we've so saught to rob the world of a strong feminine influence in the name of a false equality.)
ANYWAY, that understanding leads me to see that childbearing (or at least the potential I have to bear children whether I do so or not) is an inextricable part of my identity.
Abortion is the subversion of femininity by culture. That idea coupled with the fact that most women who choose abortion are minorities without much money makes me believe that abortion isn't a way for women to gain freedom from oppression, it's a way for society at large to subvert this beautiful, yet inconvienient, aspect of being a woman and therefore, the whole of the feminine identity.
That's the long way around the mountain, but that's it. In short, I'm pro-life because legal abortion is a cheap and easy way for women to be sexually available without cost and therefore, surrender their feminine identity (because sex and reproduction are inextricable from identity). I wasn't pro-life until I made that connection.
Whew.
Su
"our sexuality in general and the sex act in particular are inextricable parts of our identity"
i couldn't agree more.
i have spent most of my life trying to think, work, and act like a man. i was even raised that way. i still struggle with letting myself be weak because of it. it's definitely harmful to my marriage in a really huge way.
i don't know that i agree about abortion though. i'm married and make a good bit of money, but would still to this day consider having an abortion if i got pregant. i have little to no maternal instincts and have never had a desire to have children. to me it's not about my identity as a woman, or even about 'right and wrong', it's about: do i want this for my life? selfishness at it's most apparent, but honest nonetheless.
Oh man, I hear you on the don't-want-to-show-weakness bit. That's one of the huge struggles of my life. I'm still unraveling that feminine doesn't equal weak and that male strength isn't always female strength. I'm learning a new definition of "strong."
I've seen that as I know my husband more and share more life experience with him, the more I can show weakness. It took (is taking) some time. And David shows his weakness, too and that makes my marriage a safe place in which to be human.
I understand what you're saying about abortion. It's perfectly logical. It's just that it's like having your feet caught in a bear trap. You can cut your feet off and be free, but then you don't have your feet. It's quid pro quo so to speak, but it comes with a consequence.
Su.
Damn Su. You have been reading! Feminism ultimately seeks to masculate women and emasculate men in the name of "equality" and "empowerment". It assumes that men and women are fundamentally similar apart from the obvious anatomical differences. I believe that is a lie from the pit of hell.
This isn't some prude fundie arguments. I believe this stuff will improve your marriage and sex life as well as any "self-help" book. But, I will leave it to Su. to attest to that.
Post a Comment