About a year ago, I left my office to run to Michael’s craft store. I took the interstate to get where I was going and as I was making my exit I got caught at the light at the bottom of the off ramp. After I had been sitting there for a minute I noticed the man in front of me staring at me in his rear-view mirror with a sneer on his face. I tried to ignore him. When the light changed green, the man switched lanes, slowed down, and dropped in behind my car. He followed me for some ways, but I managed to lose him as I darted through traffic into the parking lot and ran into the store. Well, I thought I’d lost him. As I was walking up one of the aisles, I caught sight of the door just the man was walking in wearing a red shirt and sun glasses. I hid behind a rack at first while he walked past, then inched my way up to the cashier.
“There’s a man following me” I said to the cashier.
“Is he wearing a red shirt?” she asked looking past me.
I felt the air leave my lungs.
“Yes, how did you know that?” I asked nervously.
“Because whoever he is he’s staring at you right now”.
As she said this, she reached for the phone to call the police, but the man must have taken the hint because he bolted for the door. I turned to look at him as he ran out the door and he shot me one last eerie look. I wanted to cry. I felt like a prisoner there. I stayed in the store for a little while longer, to be sure he had left, and requested that the cashier stand and watch me as I walked to my car. I remember putting my keys in the ignition and being surprised and how angry I was, how much hate I felt, and how quickly my fear had turned into it.
I have realized lately that I have a lot of fear. Fear of being controlled, fear of failing, of being wrong, of trusting…fear of the unknown. It makes me so sad that I have so much fear, especially in my marriage. My fear has made our marriage so much harder. And my reaction to it is always the same: I get angry. I think so much of the violence in the world happens because we are so afraid of things we don’t understand. Things like homosexuality, poverty, different cultures and religions. Our minds are so small and closed off and so are our hearts. Sometimes I think that I hate the bible because I don’t understand it, or that I hate church because it just doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes it gets kind of scary because I think about the part of the bible where it says the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing. Well, it sounds like foolishness to me most days as of late. And there is no easy fix. This fear…it’s like a life-long disease with no cure. I find myself longing for the day when- as Clint likes to quote, “all sad things will be made untrue”. What a great day that will be.
“There’s a man following me” I said to the cashier.
“Is he wearing a red shirt?” she asked looking past me.
I felt the air leave my lungs.
“Yes, how did you know that?” I asked nervously.
“Because whoever he is he’s staring at you right now”.
As she said this, she reached for the phone to call the police, but the man must have taken the hint because he bolted for the door. I turned to look at him as he ran out the door and he shot me one last eerie look. I wanted to cry. I felt like a prisoner there. I stayed in the store for a little while longer, to be sure he had left, and requested that the cashier stand and watch me as I walked to my car. I remember putting my keys in the ignition and being surprised and how angry I was, how much hate I felt, and how quickly my fear had turned into it.
I have realized lately that I have a lot of fear. Fear of being controlled, fear of failing, of being wrong, of trusting…fear of the unknown. It makes me so sad that I have so much fear, especially in my marriage. My fear has made our marriage so much harder. And my reaction to it is always the same: I get angry. I think so much of the violence in the world happens because we are so afraid of things we don’t understand. Things like homosexuality, poverty, different cultures and religions. Our minds are so small and closed off and so are our hearts. Sometimes I think that I hate the bible because I don’t understand it, or that I hate church because it just doesn’t make any sense to me. Sometimes it gets kind of scary because I think about the part of the bible where it says the gospel is foolishness to those who are perishing. Well, it sounds like foolishness to me most days as of late. And there is no easy fix. This fear…it’s like a life-long disease with no cure. I find myself longing for the day when- as Clint likes to quote, “all sad things will be made untrue”. What a great day that will be.
4 comments:
I am scared of a lot more than I let on.
We should be friends for real. Can we grab coffee sometime?
i haven't really dug deep into what my fears are yet. I think I'm scared to really go there. but I definitely, as you know, resonate with frustrations about things I don't understand, things like the bible and church.
thanks for bringing the grey dog to visit last night. even though she won't lick my face.
damn it, you're posting again???
LIAR.
you gotta tell your hoes when you make decisions like this woman! . . . . now I gotta catch up.
carla- we should. i work from 8-5 m-f, so name a date and time that works with that and we'll make it happen. my email is saltnlight333@aim.com
brian- yeah, didn't really choose to delve into my fears. apparently marriage was the key to opening "pandora's box" of fear for me. and it's pretty scary, and sad, and frustrating, but i'm glad i'm getting it all out there now rather than later. sometimes.
the grey ghost can be very stingy with her kisses but i can assure you she was glad to have the attention. everything sounded good. once again you have my husband for the night and i am jealous.
bonita- yes...i couldn't help myself. and yes, i am a liar albeit a bad one. i will be sure to notify you of any other major changes in the future. and yes i'm donating my hair.= )
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