Clint and I have been having the same conversation over and over since we started dating: the one where we argue over which sex really the more of a threat to a marriage in a bar type situation.
Clint’s argument is that it does not take much to encourage a man to make a move on a woman. Perfect example, there was a particular night before Clint and I were ever dating that I got invited to dinner after church with a big group and apparently touched Clint’s arm while I was saying something. He totally took that as a sign that I liked him and went around to the whole group that night asking what they thought it meant. We still laugh about how much he freaked out about that to this day.
I, in that instant, was an exception to the point that I’m about to make. Whereas Clint thought the world of me touching his arm, I don’t even remember doing it, didn’t even think about it when I did it! Well of course, since we’re married now I think about these kinds of things a lot. I try and think critically about my behavior and what I’m communicating with my body language. Usually I’m mulling over the men at the bars where he plays that approach me and different things I can do to make myself look, well, unapproachable. This mostly involves me frowning and not making eye contact (read: making myself look bitchy). And for the most part, it works. There is the occasional guy that is too inebriated to read my body language that will come up and start talking to me but usually lasts about as long as it takes for me to say: see that guy playing guitar up there? We’re married. Buh bye now.
And here is where I get to how women really can be worse than men. For a married man, this scenario has the potential to look MUCH different. Women are much more likely to talk to a married man than they are to talk to a single guy. For starters, married men are generally “safer”, what with being married and all, they’re probably not looking [realistically] to take you home. But here’s the really sick thing: a married man is much more attractive to women because that little gold/platinum/titanium band around his finger shows that he can make a commitment. Women love that. If you think I’m making this up, please come out to one Loose Stone Show and watch how many drunk girls crowd around in front of Clint as opposed to the other 3 unmarried and good looking men up on the stage. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes the cave woman in me wants to go up and start making out with him onstage just to stake my claim. Anyway, the ring also suggests that he’s a family man, maybe he likes/wants/has children. He’s racking up major babe points and he hasn’t even opened his mouth yet. Then comes the conversation. Inevitably, being the good husband that he is, he starts talking about his wife, how much he loves her/misses her/wishes she were there. BAM! He has just scored sensitivity points. He is looking very, very good.
The dangerous thing about most men at bars is that, yes: most of them are there looking for sex, but you know that. It’s understood, it’s explicit. The dangerous thing about women at bars? You don’t really know why they’re there. Most of them, I’d say, are there to connect with some guy and get an ego boost, not necessarily sex and as I’m coming to understand, this can be much more dangerous because a) it’s not as obvious b) can seem harmless and c) can be written off pretty easily. But the thing about marriage is: nobody’s doing it perfect. There’s got to be some area where maybe your needs aren’t being met, maybe you’re feeling a little insecure that you’re not attractive or interesting or funny and this girl that you’re talking to is making you feel all of the above. Now THAT is dangerous. This is how marriages really end. You start thinking, “Wow, this girl does x-y-and z so much better than my wife, and she’s not complaining about all of the stuff that I don’t do.” Yet…
And the thing is, this chick is totally digging making you feel like that. Why? Because women LOVE to be preferred. We love to feel like we’re better than the next chick and that we’re being chosen above someone. That’s another part of the allure of talking to a married man: instant competition with an instant advantage. I’m telling you, you can’t make this crap up.
So where it may seem like men are the real bad guys with the bedroom angling and the cheesy lines, it’s the women that take the cake for posing any kind of real threat in my book. After all it’s a no-brainer that there’s danger in entertaining conversation with a guy that you know is just looking to score, but how about a seemingly innocent woman with whom you’re having a seemingly innocent chat about your wife?
Clint’s argument is that it does not take much to encourage a man to make a move on a woman. Perfect example, there was a particular night before Clint and I were ever dating that I got invited to dinner after church with a big group and apparently touched Clint’s arm while I was saying something. He totally took that as a sign that I liked him and went around to the whole group that night asking what they thought it meant. We still laugh about how much he freaked out about that to this day.
I, in that instant, was an exception to the point that I’m about to make. Whereas Clint thought the world of me touching his arm, I don’t even remember doing it, didn’t even think about it when I did it! Well of course, since we’re married now I think about these kinds of things a lot. I try and think critically about my behavior and what I’m communicating with my body language. Usually I’m mulling over the men at the bars where he plays that approach me and different things I can do to make myself look, well, unapproachable. This mostly involves me frowning and not making eye contact (read: making myself look bitchy). And for the most part, it works. There is the occasional guy that is too inebriated to read my body language that will come up and start talking to me but usually lasts about as long as it takes for me to say: see that guy playing guitar up there? We’re married. Buh bye now.
And here is where I get to how women really can be worse than men. For a married man, this scenario has the potential to look MUCH different. Women are much more likely to talk to a married man than they are to talk to a single guy. For starters, married men are generally “safer”, what with being married and all, they’re probably not looking [realistically] to take you home. But here’s the really sick thing: a married man is much more attractive to women because that little gold/platinum/titanium band around his finger shows that he can make a commitment. Women love that. If you think I’m making this up, please come out to one Loose Stone Show and watch how many drunk girls crowd around in front of Clint as opposed to the other 3 unmarried and good looking men up on the stage. It’s ridiculous. Sometimes the cave woman in me wants to go up and start making out with him onstage just to stake my claim. Anyway, the ring also suggests that he’s a family man, maybe he likes/wants/has children. He’s racking up major babe points and he hasn’t even opened his mouth yet. Then comes the conversation. Inevitably, being the good husband that he is, he starts talking about his wife, how much he loves her/misses her/wishes she were there. BAM! He has just scored sensitivity points. He is looking very, very good.
The dangerous thing about most men at bars is that, yes: most of them are there looking for sex, but you know that. It’s understood, it’s explicit. The dangerous thing about women at bars? You don’t really know why they’re there. Most of them, I’d say, are there to connect with some guy and get an ego boost, not necessarily sex and as I’m coming to understand, this can be much more dangerous because a) it’s not as obvious b) can seem harmless and c) can be written off pretty easily. But the thing about marriage is: nobody’s doing it perfect. There’s got to be some area where maybe your needs aren’t being met, maybe you’re feeling a little insecure that you’re not attractive or interesting or funny and this girl that you’re talking to is making you feel all of the above. Now THAT is dangerous. This is how marriages really end. You start thinking, “Wow, this girl does x-y-and z so much better than my wife, and she’s not complaining about all of the stuff that I don’t do.” Yet…
And the thing is, this chick is totally digging making you feel like that. Why? Because women LOVE to be preferred. We love to feel like we’re better than the next chick and that we’re being chosen above someone. That’s another part of the allure of talking to a married man: instant competition with an instant advantage. I’m telling you, you can’t make this crap up.
So where it may seem like men are the real bad guys with the bedroom angling and the cheesy lines, it’s the women that take the cake for posing any kind of real threat in my book. After all it’s a no-brainer that there’s danger in entertaining conversation with a guy that you know is just looking to score, but how about a seemingly innocent woman with whom you’re having a seemingly innocent chat about your wife?
5 comments:
Women are devishly sneaky!
women have small brains!
Wow...great insights.
There is a musician I heard about who talks about his wife and kids from stage a lot, and is frequently handed hotel keys, etc by women after shows (which he refuses). Fairly average-looking guy too. Crazy.
em- yes, yes we are.
btm- go eat a crap sandwich.
matthew- isn't it crazy??
and thanks, i think it's a pretty different way of thinking than most men are used to you know? clint was incredulous when i first started talking to him about it. it's like, women can really be like that?
this is really well put. i think you make a lot of good points. as a guy, i can affirmatively state that, while i have nothing but the worst intentions when i go out, at least i'm fairly un-subtle about it.
on the other hand, women intentionally, repeatedly, proficiently engage in some pretty deliberate subterfuge.
to make a wild kingdom analogy, men are angry hippos: big, loud, dangerous -- but you see em coming a mile away, and the only one who's likely to get hurt is... another hippo.
women are snakes. good-looking snakes, but still: snakes.
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