Thoughts Rattling Round This Head

It's been another good day here in Liz Land. Abby and Josh just left after spending the whole afternoon here, Abby getting her hair done and Josh playing musical chairs between lounging on my salon sofa and my front porch swing. I'm not sure what it is but something about seeing a good friend, sprawled out on my sofa with a book and a beer just relaxing like they're in their own house makes me so happy. As I put foil after foil in Abby's hair, Josh would read aloud to us from my Avondale History coffee table book. Who knew that Avondale had such a rich and intriguing history? And whoever did the forward did a lovely job. Thanks again to my community group for a great gift :)

Like I have written, I've been reading Atlas Shrugged lately. Mostly at night right before I go to bed and usually not too many pages at a time. I was reading two nights ago and got really hung up on this quote:

"People don't want to think. And the deeper they get into trouble, the less they want to think. But by some sort of instinct, they feel that they ought to and it makes them feel guilty. So they'll bless and follow anyone who gives them a justification for not thinking. Anyone who makes a virtue - a highly intellectual virtue - out of what they know to be their sin, their weakness and their guilt."

I've started working out again. Feels good. I'll always be keen on the gym. Really feeds my introverted perfectionist quirk. Plus I get an uninterrupted dose of music for at least an hour which is a great perk. I've been on a Tool kick lately. Mostly 10,000 days which is their latest album, although I threw Aenima in there the other day. If you don't know much about Tool, the lead singer, Maynard James Keenan is also the front man for A Perfect Circle. One of APC's most widely known song is called Judith which he wrote for his mother Judith Marie, a devoutly religious woman who suffered a brain aneurysm and was left wheelchair-bound when he was 11.

You're such an inspiration
for the ways that I will
never ever choose to be
Oh so many ways
for me to show you
how you savior has abandoned you.

Fuck your God, your Lord, your Christ
He did this, took all you had and
Left you this way, still you pray, never stray, never
Taste of the fruit, never thought to question "why?"

It's not like you killed someone
It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side
Praise the one who left you broken down and paralyzed
He did it all for you...


After 27 years (or about 10,000 days) his mother died which he writes about in both the title track 10,000 days and Wings for Marie. I have found these last few workouts I keep listening to these lyrics about her death and getting chills all over,


High is the way but our eyes are upon the ground
You are the light and the way that they will only read about
I only pray, heaven knows when to lift you out
Ten thousand days in the fire is long enough
You're going home

You're the only one who can hold your head up high
Shake your fist at the gates saying:
I've come home now
Fetch me the spirit
The son, and the father
Tell them their pillar of faith has ascended
It's time now, my time now
Give me my, give me my wings


Say what you may, but I really think this is so beautiful. And so.fucking.intense. I mean, who emotes like that? Damn.

I heard one of the saddest things last week. And no, it wasn't one of my hair clients telling me about the poor, sexually abused kids she counsels on a daily basis (although listening to that really brings out the advocate for the death penalty in me). It was a girl, a woman (God I don't know why it feels so weird to call my peers women) who recently had a baby. She had gone into the hospital with fairly mild contractions, but within an hour her contractions had intensified to an unbearable pain (for those of you who can comprehend: she dilated 7 centimeters in an hour). And then she said, "I was praying harder than I ever had before between the contractions, but as soon as they hit I was cursing God and I felt so bad because I knew he wouldn't hear me because I was cursing him."

This is going to sound really pretentious, but I am so relieved I don't think about God like that anymore. That however unsure I may be about things involving faith, that I have some surety that the road to redemption is not paved by my good works. That I can just be honest with myself and with God about how shitty I am on a pretty regular basis, even when I'm not enduring insufferable amounts of pain and spewing venom out of my mouth like its only my feelings that matter. That God is totally able to see through all my bullshit "good" intentions enough for us to kind of say to each other, "Yeah, if you really believe anything about sovereignty, this whole song and dance is pretty ridiculous. Just stop now. While you're not ahead."

And the last but not least random thought from this crazy, fucked up mind: I'm so tired of hearing people I love apologize to me for things that NO ONE should ever apologize for, while waiting on the world's biggest asshole decide it's more worth it to say he's sorry than not have a relationship with me. So many people so dear so me are so tender hearted, so wonderfully feeling and compassionate that they weep at the the seemingly smallest things. I think it's so beautiful to feel like that, and yet they feel like they have to apologize for feeling so much. I don't want anyone to ever apologize to me for being heavy. Those are the moments that matter, when all the facades have come down, when the true fears and sorrows and discontents are felt and I wouldn't trade them for the world. I just hate it that sometimes being a woman in this world means apologizing for being anything less than a stone cold bitch. If I prayed, and sometimes I think the longings deep in my heart are prayers, it would be that God would continually, every day, would not only break my heart of stone but show me how to create safety for those around me to be broken.