During the drive home we listened to For No One and we both talked about how it must be the saddest song ever written. The lines:
You stay home, she goes out
She says that long ago she knew someone but now he's gone
She doesn't need him
Your day breaks, your mind aches
There will be times when all the things she said will fill your head
You won't forget her
And in her eyes you see nothing
No sign of love behind the tears
Cried for no one
A love that should have lasted years
That night we got in bed and talked about how different our relationship is now - how we're getting along so much better, we feel at home with each other... etc., and we also talked about how our fears have changed. At this point in our marriage, my worst fears are that: I will not be able to express to Clint how proud I am of him, and how he impresses me so much still, and that even though I know him better than anyone else - I still think he is one of the coolest, smartest, and most thoughtful people on earth.
In the beginning I was so scared of myself. I am not so anymore. I still think there are depths to my ugliness which have not yet been discovered, but for the most part I feel well acquainted with all my facets and flaws. Instead of being scared that I will overwhelm Clint with all of my emotion, my greatest fear now is that I will underwhelm him. That we will stop trying to get to know each other, and pursuing those parts we hold back, that we will grow apart. I think that's mostly a result of some close experiences we've had these past few years.
She runs through my veins
Like a long black river
and rattles my cage
Like a thunderstorm
Oh, my soul
What does it mean?
What does it mean?
What does it mean to be so sad?
When someone you love
Someone you love is supposed to make you happy
What do you do?
How do you keep love alive?
I'm not so naive as to think that this phase will be any easier for us or that we are somehow immune to all the factors that make marriages fail. In fact, I think this phase will be more difficult than sorting through the rawness of being newly wed. Really digging in when you're so invested is terrifying - there is so much at stake. But I think if any two people can make it, it's me and Clint.
"Because I'm still in love with you, oh this harvest moon"
4 comments:
you guys rule in a way that few people rule. i'm glad you guys are doing so well. i hope we can sound the same in a few years.
and thanks for the haircut. i looked bringsexyback for my big interview.
andrew - thanks :) really enjoyed hanging out with you guys that night. i think that may be the only time we've hung out where we didn't have to share you with at least 10 other people!!
Love this post. Matt & I have been married 11 yrs and just decided about 2 yrs ago to cut the bullshit. Dewayne Wood helped us out alot. (after his death, I ran across your husband's blog) Marriage is a beautiful mess. Mine & Matt's fears still work us over a good bit, but we've grown into them quite a bit.
Your openness is refreshing.
abbey - dewayne was good like that. i loved that clint said he was part of very small pool of men that created safety and fought for it. so so true.
before him we went to a man named brad for counseling and he really helped us hit our hardest issues head on. our first year and a half was colossally hard. i can't imagine being 9 years in and starting to break through all my bullshit. wow. i'm impressed.
and thanks :)
Post a Comment