“My people have committed two sins: They have forsaken me, the spring of living water, and have dug their own cisterns, broken cisterns that cannot hold water.”
Jeremiah 2:13
“You cannot make me happy, not when I’m empty inside of me. Cause there’s a hole in the cup that holds love inside of me.”
David Wilcox – Hole in the Cup
A friend asked me last night what I wanted more than anything in this world. Hesitantly I shuffled the sleeping child on my chest and shifted nervously. “To be chosen… to be wanted, I suppose. I don’t know...” A strange answer coming from a married woman, I’m sure. The three of us sat in silence and mulled over what it is to be a woman, the ideas of continuity, seamlessness, and we tried our hardest to just listen.
I went home and as I lay in bed, Clint’s arms wrapped around me breathing softly at my side, I lay awake and fought a loneliness that even at my most loved and cherished, plagues me with its aching emptiness. The curse of man, I suppose: to work and never reap the merits of a hard day’s labor, to be born, only to spend each fleeting day every-swiftly moving towards our impending demise, to love and be loved, only to want more, need more, and feel every ache of disappointment when our lover fails us.
I am told that this is a beautiful longing that I have: to be chosen, to be wanted. I also see the destruction and the despair it wreaks. It’s times like this where I wish I had a store of grace, my own private stash to dole out as is needed. Instead I find in this heart of mine that there is only law. There is only vengeance, malice, and scorn. There is no forgiveness, and the weight of apologies falls as lightly as a feather, their meaning lost to the most hardened of hearts when it should come crashing down like a hammer.
Who can heal this heart of darkness? Who can bear its crushing weight?
I think I know, and yet my fear will not let me believe. And so the love seeps out, taking it with it the memories of all the times love did not fail, and my hope that one day, things will change.
Lord let me believe.
Lord help me remember.
Lord give me grace.
Jeremiah 2:13
“You cannot make me happy, not when I’m empty inside of me. Cause there’s a hole in the cup that holds love inside of me.”
David Wilcox – Hole in the Cup
A friend asked me last night what I wanted more than anything in this world. Hesitantly I shuffled the sleeping child on my chest and shifted nervously. “To be chosen… to be wanted, I suppose. I don’t know...” A strange answer coming from a married woman, I’m sure. The three of us sat in silence and mulled over what it is to be a woman, the ideas of continuity, seamlessness, and we tried our hardest to just listen.
I went home and as I lay in bed, Clint’s arms wrapped around me breathing softly at my side, I lay awake and fought a loneliness that even at my most loved and cherished, plagues me with its aching emptiness. The curse of man, I suppose: to work and never reap the merits of a hard day’s labor, to be born, only to spend each fleeting day every-swiftly moving towards our impending demise, to love and be loved, only to want more, need more, and feel every ache of disappointment when our lover fails us.
I am told that this is a beautiful longing that I have: to be chosen, to be wanted. I also see the destruction and the despair it wreaks. It’s times like this where I wish I had a store of grace, my own private stash to dole out as is needed. Instead I find in this heart of mine that there is only law. There is only vengeance, malice, and scorn. There is no forgiveness, and the weight of apologies falls as lightly as a feather, their meaning lost to the most hardened of hearts when it should come crashing down like a hammer.
Who can heal this heart of darkness? Who can bear its crushing weight?
I think I know, and yet my fear will not let me believe. And so the love seeps out, taking it with it the memories of all the times love did not fail, and my hope that one day, things will change.
Lord let me believe.
Lord help me remember.
Lord give me grace.
5 comments:
fears and hopes, laced together.
great post, liz.
I've got a ton of hymn text that is coming to mind after reading what you wrote. but more than anything else:
"this breaks my heart of stone"
very very beautiful.
brian - thanks. i really really love that song. can't wait for the new record to come out.
ck - thank you too. we need to know each other better, or at least i would like to.
I know!
gosh that song is so nice, and it's so surprising the way it's turned out. the loops that clint and I worked out together, the guitar parts, the drums, the way ashley totally nailed it vocally - it's a song that moves to a very wonderful place, and it all kind of happened by accident.
I know that this is tangential, and not directly related to what this post is about. but that song just has been giving me a lot of hope lately.
thanks liz. I also can't wait for the new record to come out.
Liz, really really beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
Dan
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